me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.