Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

This is hilarious….

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.