[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
phew
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life