Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

lost dog

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.