Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Green is just blue that someone peed in

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”