Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Chemical wingman
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My dating profile:
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]