Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I was bored.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?