Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan