Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Cheer up.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Coffee is ready.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Pass gas, not judgment.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.