Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

I might give this a try 😏

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.