Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months