Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*