Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.