Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
You Might Also Like
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.