@MoneypennyNaked

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

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@JPLFR80

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

@iamspacegirl

Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.

@Darlainky

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

@panmidwest

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.