Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.


nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”


Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.


I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.


GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it


I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.