(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving