Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

There are usually two types of merchants.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.