Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it