Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life