Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial