{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Ok but actually
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.