Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Can Happiness buy money?

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then