Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club