Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.