ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
#catsoftwitter
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
