Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.