Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

I have many caverns

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Pleading insanity in small claims court

This is my pinned tweet

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Who chose this font

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”