Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

This might be me.
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.