Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Finally! 😈

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.