Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.