Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
what are they serving at kfc then???
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good