Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.