Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.