Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

🤭😂

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what