Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Mhm.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

We know he can swim but…

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.