Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”