Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people