Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

What?

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker