Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Yes 😂
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.