Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
la cocaina
Best spoiler warning ever
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.