Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry