Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
good work, detective
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full