Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny