Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this