Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: