Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

Banana is the quietest snack

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Nomnomnomnom

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”