me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Don’t talk down to me
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.