Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

All excellent questions

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

when unicorns get really drunk

My love language is hissing.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.