Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

fourth time’s the charm

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually