Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
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Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?