Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

The opposite of Iceland is water water

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.