Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.