Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
