Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING