Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

These aren’t even hard anymore.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Camel dough

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.