Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
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Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
These are too funny not to post 😂
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?