Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Rt to bother an English speaker
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days