Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here