Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.