Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.