Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Choose your fighter
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation