Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
You Might Also Like
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I hate my earbuds.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.