Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.