Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit