Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
they should create new variants of dopamine
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.