Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Rooting for the overdog
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that