Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

barbara was highly relatable

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Still my favourite meme.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

ㅤ

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?