Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
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“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.