Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Super Hand Dog Face