Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Bruh

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.