Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

This was my dad’s browser history.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.