Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
WWE is French for “yes”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.