Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
this is me
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.