me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Happy Halloween 🎃
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.